An unwed father

I grab the newspaper after my morning walk every day. I like to read the parenting and health related pages. Suddenly a big headline grabs my attention. Tusshar Kapoor becomes a dad. The first thing that crosses my mind is when did he marry?? And why was it nowhere in the papers?? Did he hide it so that it doesn’t affect his fan following? You know, its normal for actors to do that. And then I went on to read the content. His son is born through surrogacy….. I got confused, and after a moment or two, I realised that he is an unwed father and the baby was not thrust on him just because he used his sperm to conceive it but it was a well thought decision, taken after lot of soul searching and counselling by expert doctors!!!  Woooow!! That is awesome!!! I felt so ashamed of myself for judging the book before actually reading it. This man here had the guts to follow his parental instincts and he has gone ahead and done something which is such a big taboo here in India. And I am sitting here comfortably and ripping apart his life as if it is any of my business. Shame on you Neha Kedia…..

Single male parent is generally synonymous with a man who has either separated from his wife or whose wife has died. Surrogacy is an option for those COUPLES who are not able to conceive naturally. Tusshar Kapoor is neither married nor an infertile couple. He is still a single parent.  He became a father after deciding to bring his child in the world, and care for him single handedly without marrying. Science helped him and with IVF and surrogacy his wish was fulfilled. I know many couples who are struggling with their kids. I, myself feel burdened by it so many days. And Tusshar has taken the plunge out of his own choice, his own will and desire to raise a life and dedicate himself in his upbringing without a woman to share this responsibility. That is, for me, very respectable and worth a salute. It’s really commendable that he doesn’t think that marriage is the first step for making babies or that you need to love a woman first to be able to become a father. It’s the dawn of a new era. Being a celebrity, this step by him will open the doors for so many other men who secretly wish to father a child but are not able to do so because they haven’t been lucky enough to fall in love with the right women or simply because they are not courageous enough like Tusshar. He has joined the gang of super dads who are not afraid of the responsibility and wear their dad badge proudly.  It made my heart melt when he said that he doesn’t want to talk much about the baby, forget about sharing a picture because, “nazar lag jati hai!!” Awwww!! That’s so sweet!!! He also mentioned that he is learning how to burp the child after his feed sessions. I suddenly find him very attractive and hot!! A man with such a soft heart is bound to be irresistible!!

And as for the little gentleman, Laksshya Tusshar Kapoor (notice the double s in their names?? That’s courtesy Ekta Kapoor; she is the numerology connection in this family), he is not even aware of how influential his birth is going to be. He is already made it to the record books and is etched in history.  His name will always generate remarks about his father and how he bent the rules to have him. I am sure Tusshar must have given this a good thought because the road ahead is bouncy and bumpy. A lot of questions posed by the prodigy will have to be dealt with very sensitively. I am wondering how he is going to answer his queries about his mother. The female donor’s name is not disclosed as per medical guidelines. The child has the genes of one women and he has been nurtured in the womb of another women. He is definitely going to be curious about who his mother is, how did she look, why is there no picture of her in the house, why this, why that. I hope, in fact I am sure he will handle him very well. I hope he tells the child (when he is old enough to understand) that his mother did not sell him but it was an arrangement made between them because he was ready to be a father but not a husband. He was prepared to stay up all night, feed him, change his diapers and rock him to sleep but he was not prepared to share him with his mother. He thought that he will be both father and mother to him. He could have adopted but the laws are stringent and he wanted a child with his own flesh and blood, his genes, his traits. I hope his school allows Tusshar to attend mother’s day events and he can be enrolled in mother- toddler classes with his father.

Think of this. A thought so genuine, so pure, which stems from a simple wish of nurturing a life, and watching him bloom and flourish, with its roots firmly holding the soil of love and some people call it illegal. According to a senior doctor, as per RULES, this shouldn’t have happened. The rules are in place but the legislation is not passed. Thank god!!! In the words of another senior doctor,” no laws broken as none exist.”

All the best to this unique father-son duo, may you experience the highs and lows of life together.  May your relationship blossom each day. May you always be there for each other. Amen.

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Decluttering the mind attic (part 3)

I don’t know why but I can’t seem to get over with this topic. Somehow, there is something new I am discovering about clearing our thoughts and I am just propelled to write more about it. I started with Decluttering my moms attic but I am ending up thinking about how much Decluttering have I actually undertaken.

I have always been an organized person. My cupboards, my books, my room have always been very neat and tidy. I try to instill the same trait in my kids. “If you take anything from any drawers in the house, put it back there after you are done. Next time when you need it you will automatically find it there. No need for you to go fishing and hunting and no need for me to help you find it”. I say this to my kids almost everyday. It’s become so routine that I see Pratham roll his eyes when I am about to start the sentence.

But I never realised that I need to sort out my thoughts too. Just as I make sure that my house is clutter free, it is equally important to declutter my mind. When i do away with things that have been in my home attics, i close that chapter from my life. It’s like, ” out of sight is out of mind” but the same is not true for the mind attic. Here we clutter ourselves with so much hate and negativity that we don’t find it easy to let go, to forgive and forget. We keep coming back to those memories which have caused us hurt, pain and inexpressible grief. And in the end, it results in sour relationships, bitter communication and wet pillows. Also, hair fall, dark circles and lost peace of mind.

The things in the attic keeping popping out now and then, screaming for our attention and somehow give us hints that now you have to move us out. The jammed doors that won’t close tell you that it’s time to declutter. Our mind does the same. It too give us hints that the negativity is eating up too much space, it’s getting cramped in here, making it impossible for the sunlight of positivity and fresh air of happiness to spread. The goodness, the peace are getting suffocated. But we don’t recognize these hints, either out of ignorance or to avoid confrontations. And when we do realise, lot of precious time is lost, youth is spent, desires are drained, wishes are washed away.

A weighing scale helps me to keep a check on how much weight I am losing or gaining. But what about the weight I am carrying on my mind?? I never thought that there is no scale to measure this and if I don’t lose this soon, it will just go on piling and that’s very hazardous for anyone’s mental health. I have to depend on the signals that my mind gives me to start working on clearing my mind space.

The trip down memory lane, the vacation with my family, the conflict between a daughter and a daughter in law, the sadness of being separated from parents, the happiness of being back to my own home, everything was creating such a ruckus in my mind, my soul that it was getting difficult to understand what is it that I really want. What will make me happy eventually. I am still working on it but now I know that you don’t have to choose between your past and future. You can hope for better things in future while embracing the past and forgiving all those who hurt you intentionally or unintentionally. Piling up on past hatred does no good, neither does spitting venom on the person who caused hurt to you. It just escalates the problem from bad to worse. One thing leads to another. Digging up old graves will reveal only skeletons of the past. Instead sow the seeds of forgiveness, nurture them with unconditional love and care and very soon bright flowers of hope, peace and happiness in vibrant hues will start blossoming. It’s not easy doing this but instead of directing our energy to remember what was just plain painful and becoming a sob-a-holic, isn’t it sensible to divert our energy into forgetting it and emerging a winner??

The past will return to haunt you. It will suck out every drop of positivity from you. But it depends on us, how determined we are to scare away the ghosts and make way for the Angels. I am making a promise to myself today, that my future, my happiness, my goodness will not be shaped at the hands of past criticism and hatred. Whenever it will raise its heads, I will calmly tell myself, ” it’s ok Neha, this is all behind you. It is all over. It’s never going to return. What you see now are just ghosts from the past, don’t let them spoil your present or future. They are thrown at you so that they get a reaction and become alive but it’s upto you to keep them buried and show them that they hold no importance in your life and they are not welcome in your mind attic. It’s a happy place for happy memories and you have angels guarding it against them.

Now that I have understood this and I have recognized the hints which were thrown at me from time to time, I am looking at improving my mental health. I have read about the benefits of meditation and I think it’s time to try it.

To all of you out there, feeling unhappy, confused, frustrated about where is life taking you, which direction you are headed to, take some time out for yourself. Be one with yourself if only for a few minutes everyday. Just close your eyes and listen to the beautiful rhythm created by your breathing and Heart beats. And if possible, go on a holiday, at least once in two years. It will definitely clear the fog and you will see the sun shining brightly.